What is the number one reason people would watch a sequel to the surprise hit Taken? The answer is simple. People want to watch Liam Neeson hurt people and speak authoritatively into phones.

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Taken 2 brought in $50 million it’s opening weekend and amassed a fortune overseas. It proved that Moviegoers love to see Neeson destroying men who kidnap daughters. However, Taken 2 opted for a PG-13 rating and waiting about 40 minutes for the first face punch. The goodwill the first film created quickly dissipated into poor reviews and disappointed action junkies. Why all the dislike?  A part of the reason is evident in this poster. Neeson does a lot of sitting.

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Taken 2 is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Not good dumb like Mummy 3 or fun dumb like Lockout. The reason I say Taken 2 is dumb is because the writer and director take a character who kicks butt and have him spend half the film tied to a pipe, put in a trunk or driving around in a taxi. The decisions made by the creators are absolutely mind boggling and worthy of exploration.

I am going to explain a 30 minute scene for you. The director thought it was wise to have Neeson kidnapped and tied to a pipe. So, you take out the main reason to watch the film (face hurting) and instead have to watch Maggie Grace throw grenades and do wind sprints.

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The bad guys have Neeson kidnapped and know fully well that he is a ball of tall Irish destruction. So, they tie him up and leave him alone in a room full of jagged edges to cut off his zip ties. Are guards in the room watching his every move? Nope. There is one guard sitting outside the locked room who I’ve named “Hank.” Hank plays with his gun, takes a nap and watches reruns of Wings while somehow completely oblivious to the large Irish man making tons of noise. Neeson Skypes, bangs on pipes, starts a fire, releases his wife from chains and plays Stairway to Heaven on Rock Band. Hank is never the wiser and he continues to look at his gun and wish he brought a magazine.

On the 30 minute trip to the imprisonment site Neeson counts every second between turns and says sage things like “birds” and “praying.” Somehow he remembers all of these and in order for Maggie Grace to find his location. He sneaks a Skype phone from his shoe and calls his daughter (Hank is sleeping) so she can rescue him. I think the director wanted another iconic phone scene that was similar to the first film. However, he doesn’t threaten any evil bad guys. He has Maggie Grace grab grenades from his suitcase and tells her to throw them so he can count the seconds between blasts. One magical moment features Grace throwing a grenade into an empty parking garage roof. The roof is clear except for one car. She manages to throw the grenade under the lone car and undoubtedly raised the insurance prices for one poor soul. Then, she throws a grenade and it blows up a water tower which soaks the poor inhabitants and ruins several delicious looking lunches. Finally, grace drops a gun down a chimney and Neeson shoots Hank in the face.

So, it took 40 minutes for action to occur then when it does they stuff Liam in a car, trunk and prison cell. Why is this bad? Because it doesn’t allow Liam to do this.

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There is zero neck snapping. You are stuck with PG-13 antics. The weirdest thing that happens next is that the following chase puts Neeson in the passenger seat and Grace in the driver side. Neeson does his best Burn Notice impression and tells Grace exactly what to do while the bad guys chase them. The problem with the driving scene is that the camera is so close and editing so manic it looks like the chase was filmed on a 100 meter city street. There is zero sense of place and it makes the golf cart scenes in Jackass seem exciting in comparison.

The best/worst part of this film is the final fight is between the hulking Neeson and a five foot nothing man wearing a track suit. I’m not saying short guys do not make good opponents because the small guy from The Raid would beat me up very quickly. However, this guy choreographs his jabs and needs editing to make him seem like a worthy adversary. My guess is the man is either the stunt coordinator or the director’s brother because he in no way should be the final boss who almost wins. Neeson looked 100% confused during this fight and must have decided Wrath of the Titans (dumbest/loudest movie of 2012)wasn’t so bad anymore. Check out his face.

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Taken 2 dropped the ball and still managed to be successful. However, I have a feeling it will hurt the action genre in the years to come. It proves that mediocrity makes money and talks of a third Taken film have been reported. I’m hoping Neeson will stay away from the property and embrace being the new Harrison Ford by starring in action vehicles and character studies similar to The Grey.

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Non-linear, zippy dialogue and lots of guns. Watching Guns, Girls and Gambling is a like watching a dinosaur walk. It tries desperately to be Pulp Fiction but with none of the aspects that made Pulp Fiction good.  It tries hard but has a fatal flaw. Everything is repeated over and over. Everyone experiences something then explains what just happened to other people. I’ve never witnessed anything like it before. The movie could have been 20 minutes long. The same jokes are repeated over and over. For instance, people are always being corrected for saying “midget” and “Indian.” The corrections probably occur 40 times. Another problem is that the obvious is always stated.  like when a guy gets punched in the face Dane Cook’s sheriff says “Ouch, that must hurt.” Everybody states the obvious many times over. Then, they explain it again like the smirking female assassin who always shows up late and explains what just happened after somebody explained what just happened. It gets ridiculous.

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Guns, Girls and Gambling has dialogue so zippy it kinda makes you scowl. I know I am repeating this but everything is repeated and then that assassin lady comes in and repeats it all again. She has no reason to be in the film for but for obvious reasons she gets a load of screen time. The worst part about her character is that she shoots people unnecessarily. Like she tells a guy to deliver a message and she shoots him. Or when fake Elvis says he knows nothing and she kills him. It is just not practical for an assassin. When you are wondering the practicality of an assassin the movie is doing something very wrong.

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Along for the ride is Gary Oldman doing his best Elvis impersonation. He gets top billing but only seems to be doing a favor for Christian Slater. I love how he gets nominated for Oscars then appears in movies like this. Gary Oldman is up for anything and do can anything he wants. However, he ends up getting lit up by the female assassin and more stuff is repeated.

I’m thinking Christain Slater wanted to recreate the magic of True Romance. Slater is likable in this film and proves he can still anchor a film. However, he needs better material and new sunglasses.

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The oddest inclusion is girl who is called The Girl Next Door who repeats everything Slater says. When they first meet about 30 minutes into the film Slater spends five minutes recapping the prior events so she can get caught up. Then, they get cornered by the female assassin and recap everything again. If this review sounds repetitive imagine how I felt watching the film.

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I almost forgot Sheriff Dane Cook as a guy named Sheriff who is always one step behind and recapping everything that has happened after the assassin has already recapped everything.

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I understand that writers (especially first time writers) love cheeky dialogue and quirky characters. The stuff they are saying is clever and shows off a verbal acumen. However, they need to realize that the reason Pulp Fiction, Usual Suspects, In Bruges are classics is because they move forward at full speed and ask the audiences to follow the ride. You do not want to miss one moment because you will be two steps behind. With GG&G you can step outside, eat a burger and come back in ten minutes and everything will be recapped for you. It is not clever when it spells everything out and names all of it’s characters Sheriff, Chief, Rancher, Pocahontas  John Smith, Cowboy, Gay Elvis, Little Person Elvis, Deputy, Dark Eyes, Red Foot and The Blonde.

Watch the final ten minutes of this film because it will tell you everything that just happened. Of course, after those final ten minutes the Blond lady will come back and repeat everything.

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Sidenote: I love bad films. I’ve managed to find humor in movies like Whiteout, In the Name of the King 2 and pretty much every recent Nic Cage film. However, Paranormal Activity 4 kinda hurt my soul. The biggest problem is that I was excited for it. The third was in no way good but I was hoping they would atone for themselves. There is zero atonement and a plethora of annoyance. The following review tries hard to find the silver lining but then it gets frustrated and ends up with me talking about the review in third person.

The Paranormal Activity series has destroyed something good. It has taken the phrase “nothing gold  can stay” and turned it into “nothing scary can stay.”  The poster brags “all the activity has led to this.” The problem is “this” can best be described by “insert fart noise here.” The original was admired by Steven Spielberg and now the fellas who made Catfish are turning it into the Where’s Waldo of horror films. Instead of appreciating the scares of an evil demon you are left with looking at a screen trying to find that pesky Toby run around and cause property damage.

Paranormal Activity 4 attempts to build a mythology surrounding the jerky demon and his origins. A mythology is created but it destroys all the scares of the prior films. The low budget creativity is nonexistent and instead replaced by wonky lights, jump scares and one of those evil kids who has way too much hair. Nobody listens, people never leave their house or watch the incriminating footage. A lot of trouble could have been prevented if the parents would have spent five minutes watching the spooky kid do weird things while a coven of witches hung out across the street.

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What started as a low budget and original fright fest is now recycling the premise to diminishing returns. The original PA created a demon who was equal parts evil and mysterious. It was scary because it’s motivations were unclear and it came across as a real threat. For instance, there is a neat scene where a man involved in the paranormal comes into the house and quickly realizes he is out of his league. He thanks the couple for calling and he exits without looking back. What did this man sense? Why did he know it was so evil? Was he faking and got lucky? The original asked questions and didn’t give you all the answers.

PA2 didn’t wreck the originals good name and told a linear and coherent version of the story. The series started going downhill when PA3 named the demon Toby and introduced us to a crew of angry witches. The shock was gone and they wrecked everything by giving the demon a nerdy name. Toby was no longer scary because it became a jerky demon who loved closing doors and pulling people off beds. In the first film the mystery kept you intrigued. Now, it is essentially Toby dropping chandeliers, stealing knives and ogling fifteen year old girls.

The plot of PA4 revolves around a demon kid harassing a family of four. Weird things start happening and the young girl’s boyfriend sets up all the computers to record the happenings. He rigs up an Xbox Kinect to detect movement and for some reason nobody watches the footage. The kid starts acting erratic and Katie from the original returns. This all leads to a plethora of hauntings without the luxury of an oscillating fan.

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Paranormal Activity 4 is an exercise in the mundane. This is a shame because the first film had an incredibly amount of promise. There is nothing worse than expecting something scary and instead getting Toby and his door shutting shenanigans.

In the end PA4 made a ton of money and a sequel is in the works. Toby will bother people again, necks will be snapped and more back story will be uncovered. I can’t wait to write an annoyed review in the third person for PA5.

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The Hof, your regular Bad Movie Tuesday writer, is off doing important Hofsy things.  So, as the acting interim CEO of MoviesFilmsandFlix, I am proud deliver this week’s regrettable review…

MY CALL:  Apathy is to blame for the death of this franchise.  There was too little humor, too many frustrating father-son issues, and no sense of adventure.  I simply didn’t care.  [D]  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  Live Free or Die Hard (2007).

Die Hard (1988) was epic.  It was epic in ’88 and it’s still epic.  Bruce Willis (Looper, The Expendables 2) had mastered the unlikely hero having a really bad day and making funny comments about it.  Die Hard II (1990) was a lot of fun, but seemed to be suffer a hick-up in the success of the franchise.  It was followed up by the even more fun and adventurous Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995).  Then climbing back to epic status was Live Free or Die Hard (2007).  Out of these four Die Hards, why did part II stand out as inferior?  The answer is simple.  Great villains.

Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons) and Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant); these villains were charismatic scene-stealers.  These silver-tongued, dapper devils were perfect complements to John McClane’s cynical, rough and bloodied New York cop whose crumbling life always seems to eclipse his concern of these villains’ menace.

This latest Die Hard installment had no such slick villain.  As Alik, Radivoje Bukvic (Taken) tries very hard to deliver audiences with a slick, smooth-talking, calm bad guy.  The problem is that he’s not the bad guy–but simply a bad guy.  And his clichés are too over the top for middle management bad guy support staff.  Then there was Yuliya Snigir (as Irina), a gorgeous and provocative creature who we were hoping would be some super-spy that could stand up to Maggie Q’s performance in Live Free or Die Hard.  Sadly, she delivered very little and we saw the best of her undressing during the movie trailer.

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The story brings John McClane to Russia, where his CIA spy son Jack has gotten himself into trouble.  Of course, things get complicated and John helps Jack with his mission to get an important man with some nuclear secrets to the United States.

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They look bored.  I feel their pain.

The plot pulls a couple of bait-and-switch routines keeping us guessing who’s on whose side, whose good and whose bad, and who’s the bad guy in charge.  With almost no build-up staging these transitions, I felt completely apathetic.  It pains me to say that I cared equally little about John McClane’s relationship with his son (Jai Courtney; Jack Reacher).

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The action was fantastic and nearly constant.  Early in the movie there is an incredibly long and destructive chase scene loaded with mayhem.  Towards the end, guns and helicopters steal the show.  There is no question that a lot of thought (and millions of dollars) went into these action sequences.  The downside was that since I didn’t really know who the McClanes were up against or why, it resulted in less excitement.  I found myself watching some of the most impressive action sequences I’ve seen in years and I hardly cared, smiled, yelled when something crazy happened…nothing.  Just more apathy.

I didn’t even get to enjoy the classic John McClane character!  His lines are overly dominated by frustrating family dysfunction with his son.  Their terrible relationship is shoved down our throats and the writers couldn’t get through five lines of dialogue without reminding us of it with another unfunny jab.  This made little room for classic, hilarious McClane peevishness directed at the bad guy…who was the bad guy in this movie again?  Oh, right, you hardly know until the end during a ho-hum revelation.

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Remember this?  THIS was funny!

In the end we never have the opportunity to enjoy the villain, Bruce Willis delivers an aging McClane whose family issues have replaced funny lines, and Jai Courtney was more likable as the bad guy in Jack Reacher than he was as the good guy in this. Triple-fail!

Skip this.

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The Man With the Iron Fists (read John’s much more in depth review here) succeeds and fails because of it’s director/writer/star RZA. The dude creates a wonderful world full of violence and interesting characters but then makes it borderline incomprehensible by being WAY too stylish. RZA was seemingly given free reign to the castle and he used every piece of brick and mortar to assemble the film. Instead of him being a kid in a candy store he is a Kung-Fu fan mentored by Eli Roth in a blood and guts store. He gathered a plethora of action stars and martial artists and then attached them to wires, spun them around and edited the film like he chugged 17 Monster energy drinks while watching Crank 1 & 2. 

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The reason I’ve included this film into the BMT ranks is because of what it could have been. It could have been a fight fest for the ages. However, it becomes an incomprehensible mess where you give up on plot and hope for more iron fists punching people.  When you have no idea what is happening in front of you it is hard to be entertained. RZA brings the violent boom and when he is punching out eyeballs it is evident that he lost site of the bigger picture. Punching eyeballs out is cool but when it is unearned and forced it is boring. Violence works in film when it is urgent and necessary. For instance, action classics like Die Hard and Predator put their heroes in danger and violence is the only alternative. It wasn’t totally glorified because it had to happen.

The big moment of iron fisting is anticlimactic because  RZA swings wild/slow haymakers that pulverize foes who know Kung-Fu but not rudimentary blocking techniques. The film reminded me of The Dark Knight Rises where two highly trained ninjas engage in a combat that can only be described as a bar brawl. Why bring in accomplished San Shou face kicker Cung Le and never let him kick? Also, WWE wrestler Dave Bautista is convincing as a big fella but all he does is pick people up and throw them twenty feet away. The throw always allows the person to escape or get off more offense. Why not crunch them in a trap of HGH and iron?

Sidenote: The Raid: Redemption might have wrecked action films for me. The Raid is a balls out brawl fest that feels real and bone crunching. I don’t see any action films being it’s equal anytime soon.

Iron Fists doesn’t let the camera linger and instead focuses  on the gallons of  blood exploding everywhere. In this film blood sprays, drains, mists, coagulates, streams and bursts in every conceivable way. Every kill is an excuse for blood to flow. The only thing I understood about the film was that the dialogue was bad and hair was huge. Also, whenever Russell Crowe was in the film it seemed like he was in another movie called “Thailand adventures.”

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I think the plot is about stolen gold and various killers who want the gold. There are double crosses, flashbacks and ninjas who crawl through dirt. Somewhere along the way dudes have iron bodies, Cung Le has permed ha, Lucy Liu is Lucy Liu and blow darts are a plot device. Also, the violence is shot incredibly close and doesn’t allow for anybody to know what is going on. I kept wishing they would place the camera in one spot and just allow the people to kick each other in the face.

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Sidenote: The town hairstylist must make a lot of money. The hair steaks alone must cost thousands.

Also, While watching RZA I could only think about  his cameo in Coffee and Cigarettes. In that film he pulls off the confused stupor necessary when talking to a caffeinated, paranoid and table waiting Bill Murray. Watching RZA sit next to Murray as he chugs coffee from a pot was far more entertaining then watching people spin around on wires and face kick people. RZA needs to cast Idris Elba or Anthony Mackie next time he wants to put his alter ego on screen.

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RZA will make a good film. He knows how to create interesting worlds populated with cool characters. However, he needs to turn the style down to 10 and focus on telling a story without gimics. The bell and whistles are loud and distracting which take away from story and plot development. I’m stoked for The Man With Iron Fists sequel told with a smaller budget.

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When you commit to writing a column called Bad Movie Tuesday you set yourself up for copious amounts of bad cinema. The thing that keeps you going is finding the silver lining to the badness. However, with bad horror films there is no silver lining. Most of the time when bad horror films end I am left with a grimace and a feeling that time was wasted. I might be biased and Co-writer John might disagree but I find the horror genre the most frustrating. I am not a fan of horror films. I appreciate them but very few catch my attention. They’ve been destroyed by too much information, too many twists and seemingly hundreds of remakes and prequels.

The Awakening had one strike going against it already. The tagline read “all the children are gone. Except one.” So, I knew I was about to watch a film about evil kids who create many jump scares whilst actors look glum and inevitably becomes ghosts or realize they are ghosts. So, in order to prevent the inevitable scowl I watched the film on a well deserved weekday off and focused much of my attention to writing, playing with my cat and processing my thoughts about The Master.

Did she die? Did she live? Who takes care of the lawn? Who was that evil kid? Why didn’t Dominic West punch a ghost? I have the answer to none of these questions. The most intriguing aspects are the beautiful grounds and never ending house. I had a hard time believing that there was only one person taking care of all the shrubs, bushes and grass. Roger Ebert had a question as well “The real mystery is, what were the English thinking of when they build these scary stately homes and actually went to live in them?” I am convinced that 90% of all horror films would be prevented if people lived in one bedroom apartments.

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The Awakening started off solid enough by establishing the main character as a paranormal hoax investigator. Rebecca Hall (The Town, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Iron Man 3) is a wonderful actress and she lent the film a much needed dose of credibility. However, once she arrives at the large mansion the movie goes awry. There is something about an evil kid, a massive doll house and Bran from Game of Thrones obviously being a ghost or massive punk. After the stock shock ending I was happy I chose not to pursue this film when it was in the theaters.

The best thing about this film is that it inspired me to force another horror sub-genre on the world. My Tank Top Horror was a success so I’ve deemed The Awakening  ”Day Time Horror.”

Day Time Horror films are so bad, boring, twisty, remakey and sequely (Those two words were made up) that you can watch them during the day and not fret about missing scares and plot. The Day Time Horror (DTH) label can save many date nights and horror gatherings.  There is nothing worse than expecting a scare and being stuck with The Apparition, House at the End of the Street or The Ward.  The DTH label is a must in a landscape of terrible cinema. Why risk watching a good horror film during the day and wrecking a wonderful experience? I know that studios will never thrust the DTH label on their films so here are some things to look for.

1. Is it a remake or sequel?

2. Does it heavily feature a tank top?

3. What is the Rotten Tomato score?

4. Are there evil kids who are blurry, pale or sullen?

5. Does it feature Ashley Greene looking at stuff?

6. Is it PG-13 and named The Boogeyman, Dark Water or The Messengers?

7. Is it called The Last Exorcism 2 (huh?) or  Final Destination 4 3D?

If the horror film features these criteria I recommend watching it during the day. If you watch these while doing homework, cleaning, writing, exercising or napping you will feel like a better person. Your time will not be wasted because the movie is being used for background while you better yourself. Thus, you get the gist of the movie and not all the junk that goes with it. I would do anything to get the time back that I spent in the theater watching Paranormal Activity 3, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Grudge.

There are several films THAT YOU NEED TO WATCH in cinemas. So, research the film to make sure they all bring something new to the table.  Insidious, Drag Me To Hell and Devil were all rare treats that I fully enjoyed while sitting fully immersed in the dark theater. They had original stories, wonderful visuals and solid acting. The three mentioned films all dared to break free from the mold and give us something new. Goats become evil, Philly went upside down and people actually moved out of a haunted house. If Sam Raimi is directing and not producing I recommend the theater. If it tells an original story without evil kids or long stretches of boredom (AKA attempts at tension) watch it in the dark. Also, if it is directed by James Wan (Insidious, Saw (only the first) Dead Silence, The Conjuring) check it out. Wan will never hit a home run but the dude always swings for the fences and has managed to pile up a lot of doubles and triples. His latest film The Conjuring looks epic judging by the trailer. Ti West is pretty great too FYI.

Nothing new happens in The Awakening and that is what makes it a DTH film. There is a big house, a doubter, blurry kids and a twist. I saw these traits in the preview and that is why I watched it during the day while doing other things. The best thing I noticed about it is that it didn’t feel like attractive people looking at things like The Apparition and The Darkest Hour did.

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If you embrace the DTH label and use your time creating while watching badness your day will be well spent. We movie lovers consume mass quantities of cinema and it is important not to overdose on subpar offerings. Some movies deserve your attention. Day Time Horror films do not.

Thoughts? Questions? Angry? Suggestions? How many times will you jump while watching The Conjuring?

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Dead Man Down feels like a direct to DVD action film that should be airing at 2:00 AM on some cable channel. The story centers around a broken man who lost his family and is now getting revenge on the gangsters who did it. Throw in a facially scarred woman who is blackmailing him and you have a jumbled mess mixed with lots of squinting. The movie has a European feel full of doom, dread and gloom but it doesn’t mix well with the hackneyed script. Characters pop in and out, you can’t understand anything that comes out of Armand Assante’s mouth and a beer can is used as a bomb which gives new meaning to “this buds for you.” I sat in the theater amazed at what I was watching. Every single one of these actors are fantastic yet the movie is so incomprehensible you are left confused, frustrated and checking your watch every other minute.

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The first inkling I had that Dead Man Down would be gracing Bad Movie Tuesday is when I found out the WWE helped produce this film. Every single WWE film has the same Modus operandi. Poorly written, oddly edited and well cast. WWE stormed out of the gate with the fantastic (for what it was) Rundown. That film was directed by Peter Berg and has all the right kinds of crazy. However, since then they’ve only had one decent sized hit. The Marine failed at the box office but BLEW up on DVD ($30 million in first two months) Since then See No Evil, Condemned, Marine 2, Marine 3, 12 Rounds, The Chaperone, Behind Enemy Lines 2 & 3 have all tanked like a Sherman. Recently, WWE is making an effort to make better cinema. However, their plan seems to be casting Oscar winners (Halle Berry, F. Murray Abraham) to star in poorly written movies like The Call. Have you watched this trailer? It makes you say “Uff da.”

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It is mind boggling that this film is from the same man who directed Noomi in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series. Those films were full of danger, suspense and wonderful performances. I wonder if the creators watched In Bruges, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Hustle & Flow, Devils Double or Tamara Drewe then decided to throw out everything good about those performances. Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace, Dominic Cooper and Terrence Howard are all fantastic actors who are given nothing to do. They squint, mope, glower and talk in silly accents. It is frustrating to watch when talent is underutilized because of a weak script and odd direction. I bet they had to shoot this film quick because of the actor’s salaries. So, luxuries such as set design, costuming and plot went out of the window. The key to tangled web movies involving double crosses, murder and betrayal is allowing it to unfold in a deliberate manner that is not sloppily edited. Everything about DMD is choppy so none of it works.

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For instance, you can tell the budgetary constraints with Dominic Cooper’s costuming and plot line.  The film takes place over the course of a month (I think) and Cooper only wears three outfits. His role is of a thug with a heart of gold hunting Farrell’s trail. The problem is he is rarely on-screen so the whole thing seems forced to an unearned fruition. You don’t care about his relationship with Farrell because there is no time for it. A great example is in the heat of an action scene Cooper yells to Farrell “You are my son’s Godfather!” He says this line and I went “huh?” The creators mistook forced dialogue for earned plot and it came back to haunt them.

I know how the film went bad.  A foreign director, a unreliable script, short shooting schedule and funding by World Wrestling Entertainment all combined to make a funky film. It is melodramatic where it should be understated.It tells when it should show. It features the weirdest subplot involving a drunk driver and facial scars ever shown on-screen…..

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Don’t watch Dead Man Down. Watch the original Dragon Tattoo or In Bruges instead. WWE will figure it out eventually but until it does stick to watching The Rundown or Walking Tall.

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The poster reminded me of this amazing moment from The Trip.

The remade Red Dawn hurts the soul. It is the kind of film where everything moves really quickly while there is zero story, character or plot development. You know nothing about the characters or the villains and after the story can’t name any of the people involved. If I had to explain this film to somebody I would say “Thor, Peeta, Tyra from Friday Night Lights and the blond lady from Immortals run around the woods and occasionally engage in combat.”

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Red Dawn is forgettable bad and the blame will rest upon a studio wanting to make a few remakes dollars.  The best part about this film is that none of the actors will be blamed for the badness. Red Dawn seemed doomed from the beginning. The script hurt, the action bland and the film was shot in 2009 and sat on the shelves till 2012.  In that time all of the actors moved on to bigger and better things while the film was tinkered with in the editing room. The 1984 original propelled Charlie Sheen, Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, C. Thomas Howell and Lea Thompson to long careers and the 2012 remake won’t be any different. The best thing is that everybody seemed indifferent to it and critics didn’t dog pile it like they did with better films Battleship or John Carter. 

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The story centers around a team of good-looking people who learn to fight North Koreans via montages. The well-trained unit called The Wolverines starts battling a well oiled military machine and in the process many things blow up, some Wolverines die and a suit case full of something important is targeted. The hair is always well quaffed and nothing feels dirty, dangerous or guerrilla. I haven’t watched the original in a long time but I remember feeling the isolation, cold and danger while they battled the Russians. The stakes felt real in that film and that is why it is a cult classic that is relevant enough to be remade.

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The 2012 Red Dawn debacle is a shame because the Wolverine’s are made up of some fantastic actors. Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson and Chris Hemsworth have proven themselves in much better material. They could have done wonders with a good script and real stakes. MGM wasn’t happy with the material too. They spent millions of dollars using CGI to switch out the Chinese flags with North Korean flags. The reason for this was to expand their global box office and not piss off a worldwide powerhouse. The problem with the switch is that you have no idea what the threat is. Are they just attacking the town? Is the entire United States under attack? Who delivers the hair gell and leather jackets? Why do random Russians pop up?

Another sad thing about this film is that director Dan Bradley is a famous stunt man who finally got to direct a big action film. He has worked on Independence Day, Jackass, Bourne Supremacy, Bourne Legacy, Spider Man 3, Crank, Spider Man 2, Sea Biscuit, Swordfish and Panic Room but still couldn’t film a decent action scene as a director.

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Skip Red Dawn. You’ve seen it before and you will see it again. If anything it should be an interesting case study on how to make the best of the badness.

Spoiler Alert! If you read this post SINISTER’S PLOT WILL BE SPOILED and there will be no need to watch Ethan Hawke run around scared whilst wearing a stylish cardigan.

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When I first watched the trailer for Sinister it seemed to incorporate everything I appreciate about horror films. Original story, good lead actor, scary villain and tiny three million dollar budget. However, when I watched Sinsiter the twist ending and overall selfishness left me with the “not impressed” face.

Via Getty images (somehow they got Bughuul in it)

Sidenote: The face is old news but it was how I looked when Sinister ended.

Sinister does several things well. However, I am not really into scenarios involving families being hung, lit on fire and run over by lawnmowers.    Ethan Hawke watches some brutal stuff and never tells the authorities or wonders why the tapes were left in his attic. Another issue I have  is that the whole thing is caused by selfishness and lies. Hawke never tells his family that four people were murdered in the backyard and he alienates himself because he hasn’t had a best selling book in ten years. So, you have a desperate man immersed in bloody tapes while some demon named Magul, Bughuul or Magbuguul harasses him and eventually has a child kill him with an axe.

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With news that a sequel is on the way I can’t help but think that Sinister is just another cog in the money making machine. It certainly won’t be as ridiculous as The Last Exorcism 2 (huh?) but it will just wreck whatever frights mugbughull creates. The creative marketing and decent previews resulted in an  $80 million worldwide gross and a a decent cult following. Fellow Co-writer John appreciated Sinister but the news of the sequel boggled his mind as well. They will essentially be telling the same story over and over again. There is no room for further stories because everybody is dead. Will they explore the netherworld or tell us how the bad guy paints his face?  I loved the film Insidious and the news of the sequel worried me but there is room for future stories. There is a world to be explored that will not result in copious amounts of gore porn. I’m hoping the Insidious sequel will further explore a world and not use gimics to make money.

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I was expecting a lot from Sinister. In my mind I had a monologuing Ethan Hawke dealing with a jerky and scary evil thing. However, the movie didn’t hit the spot and I can blame high expectations for that. Sinister is not a Day Time Horror film and doesn’t pander to Tank Top Horror but still is a nasty little thing. The sequels will further exploit the snuff video aspect and audiences will expect more and more pain with each sequel. Intelligence will be thrown out of the window and any chance of a scary story involving likable people will be nonexistent. Muhbuhba will still steal childrens souls in his realm and cameo in his own films like Hitchcock.

Sinister will have a sequel that will make lots of money. It will be better than Last Exorcism 2 but not as good as Final Destination 2. The worst part is that there won’t be any Ethan Hawke monologues.

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The Host is the intensely dramatic story of a race of jellyfish aliens who inhabit bodies in hopes of making them peaceful. These jellyfish just so happen to inhabit a strong willed girl and a romantic quadrangle occurs between two dudes, an alien, and a voice over. The four of them bond in a secret cave where a pony tailed William Hurt grows oats. Eventually, a seeker with ridiculous cheek bones hunts them down unnecessarily.

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The jellyfish aliens invaded Earth because they felt that humans were too self destructive. So, they took over populace’s bodies and their human hosts eventually lose their souls. These aliens were annoyed that we were killing each other so they kill us all off. Thus, self righteous aliens use a thin excuse to kill everybody in the name of peace. Did I mention that The Host is bonkers? Andrew Niccol’s directed it and it makes his last film In Time (another BMT entry) seem decent by comparison. It makes you wonder how the same man could have directed Gattaca and write The Truman Show.  Niccol also was able to coax a superb performance from Nicolas Cage in Lord of War. However, he couldn’t make this a good film. There are moments when you understand the world and appreciate several aspects like the nice aliens, free tins of food, unnecessarily silver cars and blue contacts.

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Stephanie Myer wrote the book and from what I’ve gathered the creators of the movie tried to cram a huge book into a single odd film. The results are disjointed scenes, lots of sulking and incoherent storytelling. It made Peter Jackson’s decision to turn The Hobbit into three films seem brilliant.

I’m pretty certain there is a story that could have worked but once it gets bogged down into the love quadrangle it becomes unintentionally hilarious. The girl whose body was inhabited loves Jared and the alien starts to like Ian. So, this 1,000 year old jellyfish starts liking a dude who happens to be the friend of the guy who loves the inhabited girl. The problem is that Jared wanted to kill the alien but is conflicted once he learns the soul inside is still alive. However, Ian and the alien like each other so Ian wants the thing to live which he knows is bad because the girl’s soul is still alive in the alien. They solve this problem by finding a dead girl and putting the jellyfish into another body. Basically, envision two hours of this.

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The Host is bonkers. It makes zero sense, Saoirse Ronan (Hanna, Atonement) is wasted and the Guinness world record of pouty faces smashed. My fiancee read the book and kinda enjoyed it. She said it was in no way good but it told a somewhat logical story about alien jellyfish. About two thirds of the way after a very dramatic moment involving the human soul arguing with the alien my fiancee voiced a noise that can best be described as “pfffttt.” Even when you know the story will be bad you are still surprised by the badness of this film.

When walking out of the theater I had a smile on my face because the whole thing becomes kinda funny. The ineptitude becomes charming because it goes beyond bad and into a wonderful head scratching territory. Every other moment you will mutter words like “huh” and “what?” Sometimes confusingly bad films are wonderful because they raise a lot of questions and make you laugh.

The Host is not good. The Host is kinda funny, The Host features jellyfish aliens.

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GI Joe 2 is a step back from the absolutely bombastic original which featured Paris being destroyed by green goo, underground labyrinth headquarters and a massive underwater submarine battle. I had ZERO problems with the original and was actually hoping the sequel would approve upon the missteps and make for a HUGE slightly less dumb installment. The early previews were promising and the use of a thumping “Seven Nation Army” remix proved to be exhilarating. However, the movie was postponed 13 months to undergo tinkering (3D conversion, more Tatum) and the final product is about as thrilling as a blindfolded jog through the park.

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Sidenote: It took me three installments to watch the original Joe and thus was never able to be fully immersed in the dumbness. This probably helped by keeping the insanity to three 35 minutes segments.

GI Joe 2 is arguably dumber. It feels like a chopped up piece of filmmaking that lacks grand ambition. The plot revolves around world destruction but it feels like a saunter through various locations. The disappointing nature of the film is a true bummer because we here at MFF we expecting grand dumbness and fun loud noises.  I wrote about the film more than a year ago (read here) and John reviewed the movie thoroughly here. Also, the MFF crew had the movie figured out before it was released.

GI Joe 2 is bad because you wish it was good. You want things to blow up and then have other things blow up. You want The Rock to punch many people in the face while Snake Eyes engages in mountain sword fights with dangerous ninjas. All of this happens but there is zero story behind it. People pop up in random locations for no reason and when the action erupts you can’t help but think about better films like Fast Five, The Rundown or Battleship. These three movies knew what they were and had competent directors guiding the action. Imagine the film that Peter Berg would have directed with this poster below (he has brass knuckles on his gun). Berg worked with The Rock before (Rundown) and it was a blast of fun action

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The best part of this film is Walton Goggins (Justified). He plays a warden that is holding Storm Shadow, Cobra Commander and Destro in his prison. The prison is attacked by a very angry Ray Stevenson and Walton puts up one heck of a fight. His scenes are so random and unexpected that they make you perk up a bit and appreciate the unknown happening in front of you. He is a little fella who is doing the best he can to not die, be annoying and deliver minor aches and pains to the evil bad guys. He shocks Storm Shadow with a defibrillator paddle, blows up a fuel tank and survives several gun shots. The dude is not a quitter and his actions make for the best moments of GI Joe 2. I’d love to see a film where he and Storm Shadow team up in an episode of Justified and battle Raylan Givens. It would never happen but it would be pretty great. Also, if you haven’t watched Byung-hun Lee in the bonkers film I Saw the Devil watch it now.

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GI Joe 2 revolves around three Joes trying to fight the evil Cobra nation. The Rock, Adrianne Palicki and DJ Catone glower and flex their way through various action scenes and eventually save the world. Joining them are Snake Eyes, Jinx and Bruce Willis as Bruce Willis. The dialogue feels forced and it is a shame to see so many good actors wasted. I am a huge Friday Night Lights fan and was stoked to see Palicki in a bug budget tentpole but she is restricted to wearing workout clothes, sleeveless fatigues and slinky red dresses. She is a great actress yet the director had no idea what to do with her. She fills the void left by Sienna Miller’s leather clad Baroness

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GI Joe 2 is not better than the first film. The Rise of Cobra had an epic scale that felt like a sugar rush to the head (super suits, lasers, destruction of France). This film drags on a bit and can’t match the promise of the first trailer. I feel like there is a lot on the cutting room floor that didn’t make it into the final cut.  There is proof of this during the credits where they show minutes of unused footage that looks pretty cool. I’m hoping there is an uber cut out there that answers some questions and allows for more face punching. G.I. Joe is not a bad film. However, it should have been much more. Hopefully, the inevitable sequel puts it all together.

Don’t go to this Joe. Watch Fast Five, The Rundown or Battleship instead.

Hello all. Mark here.

Much ado has been made of the classic horror villains. They’ve become celebrated heroes of a violent genre. However, these baddies have become boring due to prequels, sequels, spin-offs, remakes and uninteresting back stories. We here at MFF have decided to figure out who/what is the best worst horror villain of all time.  Will the shark who eats airplanes win? Will a poop monster be victorious? Will the Moon Rock from Apollo 18 chase everyone away?

Disclaimer: This list is not comprehensive and I haven’t broken the surface of the genre called horror. However, I love bad movies and I have an odd fascination with the strange creatures/people/air that inhabit subpar horror films. The following 32 choices are picks that I find humorous and incredible in bad ways. For instance, I’ve never watched The Eye or The Unborn but I find these pictures hilarious. Whatever they are yelling at deserves to be on this list.

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Also, aquatic sea beasts who inspire infographics deserve to be in the tournament.

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Have you even seen piranhas hurl themselves into bicycle kicks? You will on this list!

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Maybe you remember the Deep Blue Sea shark who has the best timing ever!

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This week you will be deciding who makes it into the odd 16. The following Bad Movie Tuesday posts will narrow down the field and give the world a clear victor in the battle for the worst. Check out the ballet (click to enlarge) then look below and click on your favorite worst villain and vote! Thanks! Vote. Comment. Share. Like.  Enjoy! Follow us on Twitter @MoviesFilmsFlix (Brand new!)

via my wonderful fiancee at MADesigns

Cheap Thrills Division

Unnecessarily Angry Division

Revengeful yet Aquatic Division

Bad CGI. Worse Temper Division

Thanks for Voting! Check back next Tuesday to find out who made it into the odd 16.

Vote. Share. Comment. Like. Repeat! Follow us on Twitter @MoviesFilmsFlix (Brand new!)

I will leave you with this wonderful clip.

Hello all. Mark here.

Thank you for all the votes last week! The tournament was a smashing success and I found out you all have some odd/spectacular bad movie preferences. You all love Gerard Butler’s hair, jerky callers, that silly Leprechaun and this clip.

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The 32 have become 16 and we’ve had to say goodbye to some truly terrible (in a good way) villains. Some match ups were closer than I anticipated and the voting public seemed truly torn about whether Fat Harry Connick Jr (Costas Mandylor) from the Saw franchise or the Crocodile from Lake Placid should move on. The toughest decision I had to make was between Jon Voight in Anaconda or the lake trout loving Parkey Posey in Blade: Trinity (past tournament winner). Voight has the oddest accent in cinema history and without Posey we never would have seen this kick (10 second mark) or heard the insult “c*ck juggling thunder c**t.” These two vamped it up to such heights they became kinda awesome. I still can’t place Voight’s accent in Anaconda

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Some old school villains didn’t make the cut and some new blood is looking to be included into the cannon of great bad. An unknown villain is moving on because of a funny picture and a weak opponent. Nobody knows what Jessica Alba is yelling at but I’ve heard mumbles that it is over-baked brownies (Mad Dog Lasavath) or Sylvia Plath’s ghost (ouch. Thanks Extreme Mula). Either way, her moving on gives me another excuse to show this picture.

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Some villains are proving to be powerhouses of the bracket.  The Shark from Deep Blue Sea, The Air from The Happening and those motherf***ing Snakes on a Plane coasted to victory. There are no easy match ups in the odd 16 and some fan favorites will be bounced from the tournament. Will the Air from the Happening survive the white alien cuddle? Could the alien cuddle the air? Will the alien lose and quote Mark Wahlberg (victim of The Happening) by saying “ It is what it is. F**king trees, man. The plants. F**k it.”

No matter how the battle goes I know Wahlberg and Deschanel will be watching from a safe distance whilst looking very concerned.

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Via my wonderful fiancee at MADesigns

Cheap Thrills Division

Unnecessarily Angry Division

Revengeful yet Aquatic Division

Bad CGI. Worse Temper Division

Thanks for voting! Tune in next week for the odd elite 8. I will leave you with this wonderful clip.

Hello all. Mark here.

The 16 are now 8. Upsets were aplenty as Parker Posey and The Gingerdead Man toppled their competition with head kicks, one-liners and names like Millard Findlemeyer.

The greatest thing about this tournament is there is no way to predict who will win. It is a random force of nature that is now anchored by sharks who kill with fantastic timing, unpredictable air and a man who is  ”too unpredictable even for brackets.” This tournament offers more surprises then this creepy ladies questions.

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Last week my brother asked me “what is a poop monster?” I told him the poop monster was an alien that looked like poop and harassed Timothy Olyphant, Damian Lewis and an odd eyebrowed Morgan Freeman in Dreamcatcher.  His question made me realize that these villains are pretty obscure so the following post will give brief explanations and insights into the remaining angry eight.

via my wonderful fiancée at MADesigns

The Mega Shark,

Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus transcended bad and went into awful awesomeness. It looked like it was filmed on wax paper and the CGI/SFX were straight out of the early 80s. However, it amassed a huge following and the trailer was watched millions of times on Yahoo and Youtube. Also, this scene became famous.

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Mega Shark was enjoyable because it told a po-faced story that didn’t feature tongue in cheek moments (Sharktopus) or embrace the badness. The movie made me excited for whatever the shlock production company Asylum came up with next. However, the do no wrong glow started to fade as movies  like Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Titanic 2, 2010: Moby Dick, Almighty Thor and 2-Headed Shark attack, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and Mega Piranha  became increasingly hard to watch.  Mega Shark was so good/bad it captured the nations imagination and allowed a tiny company to have its 15 minutes of fame.

Gerard Butler’s hair in Dracula 2000

In the words of co-writer John Leavengood “That dude’s hair was like feathered testosterony bouncy dark locks of sexuality.”  I don’t remember anything about Dracula 2000 but I did recall a well-groomed Dracula sulking around and killing good-looking actors. The hair has become a common phrase within my circle of friends and is evidenced in my discussion with fellow contributor VJ. He said “I need a job like Butler needed three hair dressers for Dracula.

I covered this film for a Bad Movie Tuesday post a long time ago and I found this nugget.

“The most important thing not to do is carry around hair gel. The only thing Dracula craves more than blood is hair styling products. The reason I say this is because Gerard Butler struts around New Orleans with hair so wavy surfers couldn’t ride it.  When you become a vampire does  your hair become instantly perfect? I ask this because  Butler’s hair flows majestically in the wind with nary any upkeep.

The Air from The Happening

The Happening is a strange film about killer air, mass suicide and a guy getting his arm ripped off by a lion. The movie took a beating by the critics and has since become a cult classic of unintentional badness.  Wahlberg has expressed his displeasure “ It is what it is. F**king trees, man. The plants. F**k it.” The poor guy just wanted to play a science teacher.

For instance, if you want to get a feel for this film watch this clip entitled “Mark Wahlberg talks to a tree.”

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The Leprechaun from all those silly Leprechaun movies.

The Leprechaun went to the hood TWICE, looked for gold three times and been to space once. He also came up with this rhyme that is both painful and impossible to turn away from.

NSFW

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Parker Posey from Blade: Trinity

Parker Posey is a beaken of light amidst the black hole of dumb that was Blade: Trinity. She vamped it up and while Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel struggled to deal with a surly Wesley Snipes (Read Patton Oswalt’s great AV Club interview). She kicks people in the face, spouts one-liners and worries about skin care while everything is going wrong around her. She is a yuppy vampire whom instantly regrets awakening the bald Abercrombie & Fitch Dracula. I bet she was hoping for a well quaffed Gerard Butler but instead was threatened with silver farts, big hair and wonderful insults.

Gary Busey as the Gingerdead Man

This is what happens when you explain the Gingerdead Man to your brother.

Mark: The Gingerdead Man is about Gary Busey’s serial killer soul being inserted into a demented gingerbread man. Look at it as if the gingerbread man from Shrek went evil and sounded like Gary Busey.

Erik: That’s weird bro.

Watch the trailer. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. However, the squeal noise 12 seconds in is amazing.

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The Shark Who Ate Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea

I worked in a movie theater for five years and the scene where Sam Jackson meets his demise got the loudest reaction I’d ever heard. People went bonkers for the CGI shark and it’s amazing timing. What I love about Deep Blue Sea is that you are suppossed to believe that these sharks are herding the scientists into various chambers in order to free themselves. It was the first DVD I bought and I think it is an underrated masterpiece of dumb.

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The Motherf***ing Snakes on a Plane

Fueled by the internet these snakes became cult classics before the film was released. Hearing Sam Jackson spout obscentites while thousands of feet in the air pushed the vocal internet nerdy minority into a feeding frenzy. Everybody thought the movie was going to be a massive hit until everybody saw it. Expectations were burst and the movie didn’t live up to the Sam Jackson punching snakes mythos envisioned. However, you have to appreciate a movie that captured the world’s attention via strategic Sam Jackson profanity.

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Vote. Share. Like. Like again. Send to friends. Comment. Enjoy. Thanks!

The 32 have become four. Four villains defined by hair, sneak attacks, trout references and Mark Wahlberg’s earnest acting. Not only have they survived the tournament but they’ve had to endure bad reviews (28% RT), poor box office results and lots of hair gel.

These final four villains all have one thing in common. They’ve elevated the material to memorable heights. Love them or hate them they caught you off guard.  I am not alone in my observations about these odd films. Roger Ebert appreciated  similar aspects and in honor of him I will use his wonderful prose to discuss three of the four.

Sidenote: Ebert never reviewed Dracula but one would believe he was in awe of Gerard Butler’s logic defying hairstyle and miscasting. Also, reading the reviews for Dracula was infinitely more entertaining than watching it. Critics unleashed their fangs over the role and I got to read quotes like:

“With his long black coat and incisory overbite, he’s like Neo in The Matrix played by one of the Bee Gees.”

“Gerald Butler’s Dracula seems more like a peevish male model than a true prince of darkness.”

“Butler’s Dracula might be the worst ever committed to film.”

“Butler is too busy preening to generate any sense of menace.”

If you go to the one minute mark of the trailer it looks like Dracula is wearing a helmet.

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Ebert never insulted Gerard Butler but he did give The Happening three stars and said nice things about Posey in Blade: Trinity:

“Parker Posey is an actress I have always had affection for, and now it is mixed with increased admiration, for the way she soldiers through an impossible role, sneering like the good sport she is.”

Ebert also summed up Deep Blue Sea with this quote:

“There is a moment in this movie when something happens that is completely unexpected, and it’s over in a flash–a done deal–and the audience laughs in delight because it was so successfully surprised. In a genre where a lot of movies are retreads of the predictable, “Deep Blue Sea’‘ keeps you guessing.”

All of these films keep you guessing and asking questions. For instance, I asked frequent MFF contributor VJ if the shark from Deep would think twice before eating Butler’s hair. He answered with this gem:

“I have a feeling he would probably think twice then decide to eat it…however when it was digested and passed it would come out perfect. the shark would swim by it and think wait didn’t i already eat that hair? so it would gobble it up again and the cycle would continue eventually driving the shark mad. the shark would become so obsessed with the fact that it can’t take down the hair it would be begging for a deathly harpoon shot from Thomas Jane.”

The worst thing a movie can be is forgettable. When it movie hits the right bad chord they can live on in infamy. Three out of the four films have become memorable and kinda classic. The lone exception is Dracula 2000. I’m amazed it has made it to the final four. I blame the hairstylist, funny quotes by VJ and total randomness of it being on the list for it’s survival,

Without further ado. Here are the four finalists. Vote. Like. Share. Repeat.  Thanks!

Via my wonderful fiancee at MADesigns

The results are in!  The shark who ate Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea is the champion. The intelligent shark cruised it’s way to victory past The old lady who fell face first into a table in The Skeleton Key, The Crocodile from Lake Placid,  The motherf***ing snakes from Snakes on a Plane, Parker Posey in Blade: Trinity and Gerard Butler’s hair in Dracula 2000. The only thing that could have defeated the shark is Sam Jackson with Gerard Butler’s hair in Dracula 2000. Imagine Sam Jackson doing this audition with the same hair.

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The shark attack represents a unique milestone among film aficionados and cinema novices.  Everybody loves the moment because it is so bonkers. It is equal parts dumb, kinda smart and uber awesome. Deep Blue Sea lives on as a surprising surprise of a movie. It could have been super idiotic and stock but the Jackson kill made it a beast all it’s own. Director Renny Harlin injected Finnish steroids into it  and DBS became the 12th highest grossing creature feature of all time. It also developed a cult following and Entertainment weekly gave the kill an A+.

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The shark resembles director Renny Harlin’s career. Weird timing, bombastic eccentricities and initially undervalued. Harlin has directed such odd delights as Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, Driven, Cleaner The Long Kiss Midnight, Cutthroat Island, Mindhunters, Exorcist: The beginning,  The Covenant, 12 Rounds and now Hercules 3D. 

Interesting fact: Actors must love acting for Harlin because he has worked multiple times with Geena Davis (ex-wife), Syllvester Stallone, Stellan Skarsgard, Sam Jackson, LL Cool J, Val Kilmer and Rex Linn.

Harlin owns the Guinness world record for Biggest Box-Office Flop of all time with the 1995 debacle Cutthroat Island (Budget $115 million, Grossed $10 million). Percentage wise it is still the biggest flop ever.  Harlin goes big or goes home much like the sharks in Deep Blue Sea.

Later in his career Harlin was brought in to finish films after the directors were fired. He added more action and created wonderfully jumbled films that confused while bringing lots of boom. Harlin punched up Mindhunters (a movie about people using their super brains to hunt criminals) and Exorcist 2 (It needed more action?). Both were borderline unwatchable while being strangely magnetic.

Harlin also owns the distinction of being fired from one of the biggest flops ever. Here is the how it happened via Ray Bradbury:

“He’d been on the project for more than a year, and he’s a fine director… But then, about four weeks ago, quite suddenly, [he said,] ‘Why don’t we take the butterfly out of SOUND OF THUNDER?’ Can you believe that? When I heard it, I whooped with laughter. I said, ‘Oh my God,… if you wanted to be accurate about being stupid, this was it.’ So they fired him, and we’ve got a new director now.”

I’d wager if they kept him on the film it would have been loud, dumb and not as bad. Watch the trailer here.

Renny Harlin has had a strange career. There have been ups (Die Hard 2), downs (Mindhunters?) and everything in between (17 years later The Long Kiss Goodnight is being considered an action classic). However, Harlin should be proud of the work he did on Deep Blue Sea. I was working in a theater when it was released and it received more crowd reaction then any movie I’ve ever watched in a theater. DBS is perfect popcorn cinema and as evidenced by this tournament still very relevant. Thank you Renny for your loud Finnish ways.

Gangster Squad is the movie you want to like but know your personalities don’t mesh. You realize it’s potential but as you begin to ponder grenade physics and are reminded of Alien vs. Predator it is evident you’ve begun to nitpick. You don’t want to be negative so you begin looking for positives. Josh Brolin is believable beating people up, Ryan Gosling is Ryan Gosling and you are happy the guy from the cancelled television show Lights Out is getting work.

The positives fade as you watch in glum desperation while nothing works. You realize Michael Pena created more of character with one sentence in 30 Minutes or less than in the entirety of Gangster Squad.  You feel dirty with the thought of what Sean Penn does to poor Emma Stone. You’d rather watch Gosling not eat his cereal.

You feel bad for Mireille Enos who is stuck playing the wife in two delayed films (Gangster Squad, World War Z) and forced to stand under rain machines on the much maligned The Killing.  You cringe as she says “you are a demon in the sack.” to a confused Brolin.

In the midst of all the drudgery you find another silver lining. These people get to dress up in gangster gear, shoot guns and hang out with a plethora of cool actors. Stone and Gosling get to reunite after Crazy Stupid Love. Also, You are stoked that Josh Brolin survived Jonah Hex. However, the silver lining gets dirty when a grenade explodes right next to the heroes car and there is zero shrapnel or damage.

Gangster Squad is the type of film where Giovani Ribisi is the normal one. When has he been the normal one? He is always kidnapping teddy bears, stealing cars, acting squirrelly and crunching blue people. In GS he is the nice guy with a family who will be murdered because he is the nice guy who has a family. I remember looking at my fiancee (who advised me not to watch the movie) and asking “they don’t kill his kid do they?”

Many people are murdered in Saw type ways. They murder people as if they studied the “Sam Raimi Guide to Blood Sprays. People get lit on fire, torn in half, fed to wolves, blown up, stabbed, tortured and one guy receives a drill to the head. I found this particular death to be very unnecessary due to the immense clean up afterward. There had to be a mass blood explosion as the drill hit the head. Suits were ruined, electricity was used and it didn’t send out a message because nobody saw it. It reminded me of a scene in Fast Five where the bad guy bashes a henchmen over the head with a metal object. Bloods gushes all over the office and the bloody death instrument is placed back on a glass table. Who cleans this up? How did they carry them dead guy out? Movie deaths are way too convenient.

Gangster Squad had one of the best casts of 2012 (Brolin, Gosling, Stone, Pena, Penn, Nolte, Mackie, Ribisi). However, it was plagued by reshoots (Aurora shooting) no cohesion and a director who couldn’t stick the landing on the much smaller crime caper 30 Minutes or Less. I wouldn’t place any blame on any one in particular. The movie just didn’t work. It reminded me of the 2012/2013 Los Angeles Lakers. A team that should have won a championship but due to egos, injuries and the Princeton offense didn’t make it past the first round of the playoffs. No legacies will be garnished because both the Lakers and Gangster Squad will be looked at as failed experiments.

Gangster Squad is not so bad it is good. However, it is not so bad that it is memorable. Gangster Squad is a forgettable experiment that in making a hybrid gangster film.

Gross Point Blank, High Fidelity, Say Anything, Being John Malkovich, One Crazy Summer, Adaptation, Raising Arizona, The Sure Thing, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Serendipity, The Thin Red Line, Kick-Ass and Matchstick Men, John Cusack and Nicolas Cage have been in some of my favorite films. They’ve traversed the cinema landscape playing killers, heroes and Lotharios. Their movies have accumulated billions of dollars yet somehow they find themselves in puzzling films playing odd characters that are featured in cut rate posters.

While watching The Numbers Station (curiosity,background noise) I couldn’t help but notice a trend starting to occur. It seems like they are becoming one person.  Both have headlined Charlie Kaufman films (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation). Cage and Cusack had competing War movies with Lords of War and War Inc.  Both have starred in rotten rated films with Nicole Kidman (Tresspass 2011, Paperboy 2012), They’ve acted with Jennifer Carpenter in DTV films (Seeking Justice 2012, The Factory 2011).   To top it all off  while watching Numbers I remembered that the two have acted in two very bad DTV films with Malin Ackerman (Stolen 2012, The Numbers Station 2013). Now, they are acting together again in the DTV thriller Frozen Ground. 

Notice how bored they both look. Hunters are becoming hunted and it makes you want to sleep.

Both actors have their own unique talents and proved them time and time again. However, lately they’ve been teetering between overacting (yelling at Kidman) and underacting (I think Cage slept through Stolen). Their last movies Stolen. Seeking Justice, The Raven, The Factory, Trespass and Ghost Rider 2 have accumulated 19% on Rotten Tomatoes. I can’t even explain why The Number’s Station was made. The plot revolves around Cusack watching after Malin Akerman in a station where government codes are made. Cusack seems genuinely depressed and I don’t think he had it in him to create chemistry with Akerman.  I don’t remember anything else from the plot.

What I love about both of these actors is that their careers have become unpredictable roller coasters of entertainment. If you a compiled a top ten film list of their films it would challenge any other filmography. Their legacies are set and their acting unquestioned. They survived the 80s, 90s, 00s, and now have respectable movies coming up with The Butler, Salinger, Maps to the Stars, Joe and Expendables 3. They survive bad films, pop up in excellent cinema then go back to odd choices and bad hair.

You can never predict what is coming next from these guys and that is why it is a pleasure to have them around. I just hope they don’t become one person. The worst thing that these guys can become is predictable.

Do you like poop on windshields, blood, incest, Leprechaun murder, vulgar language, horny animated cats, racial stereotypes, neck testicles and nudity? Well, if you enjoy most of these things  you probably won’t enjoy this film. Movie 43 throws so many gross things at you it creates a cacophony of flatulence noises and a cavalcade of uninteresting short stories that make you depressed and worried about Kate Winslet’s career choices.

I get Movie 43. Put a bunch of A-list celebrities in compromising situations and hilarity ensues. However, the clips throw you headlong into nastiness so there is zero build up for the punch lines. You are supposed to feel bad for Kate Winslet and she sits across from Hugh Jackman while he is dumping his neck testicles into BBQ sauce. However, you don’t know the characters so there is zero reason to care. Remember when the Farrelly brothers created testicles jokes that worked? There’s Something About Mary features the Citizen Kane of genitalia jokes. The set up is that Ben Stiller has somehow landed the perfect 10 of a homecoming date. As he nervously waits for his beautiful date he goes to the bathroom and is caught off guard when he looks through the bathroom window and sees her changing. He has done nothing wrong aside from peeing in the wrong place at the wrong time. He quickly zips up his pants and gets his beans above his frank. What follows is gross out comedy with heart. There is no heart in Movie 43. It is a empty shell of gross thinking it is funny.

The critcal vitriol this film received was funnier than the movie. The movie critics dog piled (4% RT)  the film and buried it beneath words like lazy, disgusting, aggressive stupidity, witless, awful, racist, cruel, misogynistic, disaster, depressing and a misfire of megalithic proportions. My favorite two quips were by Dave White of Movies.com and Elizabeth Weitzman of the New York Daily News.

To fully enjoy yourself from start to finish, it will help if you’ve got the sense of humor of a middle-school-aged sociopath…

As a film critic, I’ve seen nearly 4,000 movies over the last fifteen years. Right now, I can’t think of one worse than Movie 43.

The basic concept the creators were going for was zany situations are made funny when A-list actors are in them. This is almost guaranteed to not be funny. Before Chevy Chase was a spy or hanging from the Hoover Dam he was a passive aggressive everyday man who made us laugh in Vacation and Fletch. However, when he got famous the creativity left the building and they thought putting him in a movie was enough. Creativity was gone because it became Chevy Chase is Fletch as oppossed to Fletch featuring Chevy Chase. My favorite comedic actor had a similar dearth of comedic purgatory. The films Larger than Life and The Man Who Knew Too Little put him in zany situations that proved painfully unfunny. The poor guy was left working his butt off to make people laugh while he was wearing a silly hat. Producers thought Bill Murray wearing a silly hat would sell tickets. The silly hat did not sell tickets.

There is nothing interesting about the worlds of Movie 43. I find it interesting that the thing was made and that people thought it might be funny. I’d love to hear a commentary about the making of the movie and get inside the creators head. Hopefully, lessons are learned and people realize that skit classic Kentucky Fried Movie wasn’t a fluke. The best thing that come from this film is that more people discover Kentucky and appreciate skit comedy done right.

21 & Over is incredibly vulgar, every nationality is insulted, every profanity is spewed and every type of liquor is vomited. It is a case study in too much. The movie features two dudes played by likable actors Miles Teller (Footloose, Spectacular Now, Project X) and Skylar Astin (Pitch Perfect, Hamlet 2) and puts them in the traditional drunk escapade involving getting their good friend Jeff Chang to his medical school interview. Throughout the night they unleash a bull, puke on a mechanical bull, sneak into a sorority house, watch women make out, throw a dart through a dude’s cheek, dance on cop cars, throw Jeff Chang out of multiple windows, escape an angry father, get spanked by paddles, only wear socks, endure closeted frat dudes, pee on women and drink a lot of beer.

There is so much vulgarity you never get to like the characters who are engaged in the nastiness. It wanted to be Old School, Animal House, Harold and Kumar and Road Trip but forgot to make memorable characters. The four films I mentioned all feature likable characters, hilarious moments and copious vulgarity that are used in conjunction with each other to create gut busting laughs. However, 21 rarely blends character/hilarity/vulgarity into funny moments. The biggest laugh comes from an incredibly drunk Jeff Chang dancing on top of a car after the police tell him to “get down.” The moment works because of the cheeky dancing and the reactions from the cops. The best moments in this film are not gross and come from little exchanges like this:

Chang: “You broke my laptop!”

Angry dude: “Get a desktop!”

When making a gross-out college romp the most important things are the characters. If you don’t like the people involved you will have nothing invested in the bodily function jokes. There is no Frank the Tank, Harold, Kumar, Bluto, or endearing Sean William Scott character guiding you through the shenanigans. We are stuck with likable actors who have been made unbearable by the constant barrage of dialogue and excretion of bodily functions.  Miles Teller is a great actor but the script never lets him stop talking. He talks about everything he sees and it starts to grate the ears and numb the senses. Miles is Vince Vaughn X11 and he explains everything that happens after it happened. For instance, Jeff Chang pukes on some coeds then Miles says “Jeff Chang just puked on some coeds!” Also, They throw Jeff Chang out of a window and Miles declares “We just through Jeff Chang through a window!” You will hear everything twice in 21 & Over. 

If you insist on watching this film and haven’t watched Pitch Perfect, Footloose or Project X then I’ve compiled a checklist for watching this film. 

1. Drink every time they say “Jeff Chang.” They say it like 700 times. I’m pretty certain the creators intended the constant name check to become a party game.

2. Watch it in the background while at a party and pretend like you weren’t the one who recommended it.

3. If you are writing a film about a wild night of shenanigans this will show you what not to do.

4. Drink every time they say “Randy.” It is a decent little subplot involving a dude named Randy and two dudes who always call him “Randy.”

5. Appreciate better films like Euro Trip, Road Trip and Hangover. Realize that it is hard to make popular frat-house films.

Don’t watch 21 & Over. Watch Pitch Perfect, Footloose or Project X. Appreciate the college Animal House classics that have survived the test of time.